The Seven

NOW AVAILABLE AS AN AMAZON SHORT!


Below are the public comments left by readers while the first draft of The Seven was posted on Literotica:

Very Impressive~
11/11/04 by My Erotic Tail
Clever and witty tale, I was enlightened and didn't even know it. Your a zen master of pen! good luck and Happy Holidays Art~

I don't understand
11/12/04 by Anonymous
I have no idea why anyone would like this story. Sorry, but it's boring and poorly written. Don't just describe; tell a story next time, okay?

Exceptional
11/12/04 by Anonymous
Sometimes you have to be clever enough to interpret the meaning. Happy Holidays impressive and thank you!

The Medium is the Message
11/12/04 by oggbashan
I appreciated this story. I think it is appropriate to the season yet I would have liked more personal interaction between the characters. I thought it could benefitted by being developed into a longer story about the trials of obtaining the supplies. Some conflict about the claims of charity against commercial considerations and how the difficulties were overcome by co-operation between the seven playing on each others' strengths could have helped. Og

A very intriguing read
11/13/04 by Rumple Foreskin in Freedonia
I agree with Og that while this story is good, it could be even better. But you deserve a lot of credit for tackling something out of the ordinary, especially for Lit, and for the quality of your prose. Rumple

Agreeing
11/14/04 by Black Tulip
I enjoyed reading this story and think it's very appropriate to the season. But I have to agree with Og and Rumple, more interaction would make it an even better story. Good luck.

more please...
11/15/04 by sack in USA
This is an excellent premise for a longer story. Flesh out the characters more, have something happen beyond the ordinary, and you are all set! Good start!

Very deep...
11/16/04 by cookiejar in USA
But truly lovely writing. I hope it gets the votes it deserves. Good luck!

And the point is?
11/16/04 by Anonymous in USA
I simply couldn't enjoy this story. For one thing, there was far too much description without the support of dialogue to get a feel for the characters. Despite the emotional message of the story, it lacks a feeling of actual human emotion. For another, it's completely out of place. No offense, but this IS a site for erotica. You would be better off putting this on a normal story site.

I liked it
11/16/04 by ravenmx
I agree with most of the other comments, it would be nice if it was longer with more interaction between the characters and the trials and tribualtions that it takes to obtain supplies and keep the shelter open for that amount of people. However it is a great holiday story in the sheer fact that it is all very true. To many people go hungry and without shelter, especially around the holidays.

Thanks hun
11/16/04 by Colleen Thomas in USA
The key to any story in the holiday contest is to address the many feelings the holiday season conjures. This one approached part of it that I didn't know much about. Despite that, the very things you stress by down playing, warm food, shelter, family, are the things that mean the most at this time of year. -Colly

nice
11/17/04 by Anonymous in Chicago
all the best.

Impressive!
11/20/04 by Virtual_Burlesque
You have lived up to your name with this allegorical narrative, so appropriate at Christmas time.

:)
11/23/04 by CharleyH
Quite a beautiful tale, and very well written. Kudos.

IMP.....
11/24/04 by ABSTRUSE
You made me feel human emotions and despite the fact that one sad soul missed the whole point, I found that you've touched on a very important part of what the spirit is about and then using Kwanzaa as your base, brilliant. I learned something new today, thank you.

Quite unusual...
12/01/04 by Goldie Munro
and lovely! Well done.

Brilliant
12/03/04 by doormouse in Australia
That was simply fantastic!!!! It's good to see a story targeted at the unfortunate and the people who work effortlessly to give them some kind of shelter/normality to their lives. Christmas is a time for giving. Well done for getting that message across. I loved this one. And Imp, merry christmas to you and your family xoxoxoxox

Ambitious
12/07/04 by Anonymous in the void
but flawed. There are clumsy parts in the narration, superfluities. It needs polishing. Anonymous the first's comment about lack of characterization isn't quite accurate, and he has no call to say where you place your story. But it ought to involve the reader immediately; dialogue might be a good help toward that. You could begin with her hands being warmed inside, perhaps, or throw a quick scene of dialogue with one of the beggars you "tell, but not show." Show us more, tell us less often. consider each clause: is this necessary? and pare down. Once it's tight, a final edit to keep the symbols straight, an edit for no other purpose. You'll find that it will ring more clearly. I know you fought a deadline, but that's over. Polish and resubmit. This one could be one which would interest a print market. Magazines always need words, more words, and the holidays send them looking for the fresh. Don't send them this version when you can do much better.

I agree with several of these comments
12/07/04 by cantdog in Maine
including the void fellow. It is good to make a holiday story in a less bourgeois-comfy setting, among the homeless and the wretched where love is the more real for its shining from the rough. Your intent was very creative, but again, maybe the void guy has a point or two. This is a good solid idea, imp. You want any specific help? I am your servant. love cantdog

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